How to Write a Steven Moffat Script

(4 comments)

TITLES

AMY: Ah, hello oldest and best friend who I've never mentioned before for some reason.

FRIEND: Hello Amy.

DOCTOR: Hello, I'm quirky.

FRIEND: And sexy.

DOCTOR: Yes, and now I will make a double entendre that could just about be interpreted non-sexually by a forum casuist who is trying to win a debate with someone who says Steven Moffat is obsessed with proving that the Doctor is an active heterosexual. Because, however much he wants us to know that he's a sexy shagging randy lad who likes girls and sex, Moffat also has an inner core of nerd.

ENEMY: Hello, here are some evil monks with no heads. They can't be reasoned with or persuaded. Because they don't 'reason' like the evil old Doctor. And they have no heads. They've cut their own heads off. Geddit? So, no brains on these monks. By choice. DO YOU SEE?

RORY: Euuurrgghh...

AMY: Oh my God, they killed my wonderful impossible man who is centuries old and had a box (the Pandorica I mean), etc. I mean Rory even though I seem, for some reason, to be framing my remarks to sound like I mean the Doctor.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #2: Hello Doctor, I hate you. I mean I love you.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #3: Oh, I know. He's a wonderful, impossible man who once took me to the wedding of Princess Diana (he was best mates with her and may have shagged her) and got some other celebrity historical figures to do something hilarious at the party afterwards, where it is implied he got drunk.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #2: Oooh, double entendre.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #3. Yes, sexy quip.

SHOOTS SOMEONE.

DOCTOR: Mmmm, I liked the way you shot that guy. That made me stand to attention. By the way, I am also a hypocrite so I will warn you against immoral behaviour that I just approved and also committed. So, don't do it again. Or I'll come after you. And I'm scary.  Even scarier than my best buddy ever, Henry Kissinger.

HEADLESS MONK: Yes, the Doctor is scary. And powerful and dangerous.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #2: And sexy.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #4:  And I should know, because I met him when I was a kid and became obsessed with him before I even hit puberty.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #2: Yes, so did I.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #3:  Uh huh.  And me.

AMY:  Me too.

FRIEND:  Yep.  And me.  In fact, I was genetically designed to be obsessed with him.  I have no other purpose in life.

MURRAY GOLD BACKS PROLONGED SCENE OF MATT SMITH LOOKING SMUG WITH BIBLICAL EPIC CHORUS MUSIC.

FEMALE OBSESSED WITH DOCTOR #2: Oh, by the way, I'm the headless monk's daughter or something, because of a time paradox or something.

DOCTOR: I knew that all along because I am now so powerful and all knowing that no mere drama ever threatens me.

FANS: Give this man a vault full of Hugo awards, this is genius.

RORY: I'm alive again.

DOCTOR: Well go and kiss your property... I mean wife.

HEADLESS MONKS ALL DROP DEAD.

DOCTOR:  Yay, another alien menace ended by the establishment of heteronormative gender relations!

END CREDITS.

Comments

encyclops 5 years, 2 months ago

I think you've only scratched the surface of the...let's call them "recurring motifs" here, but you've done so hilariously. Clearly you're on a particular theme, though, so I can see why you chose the ones you did. The only one that rings a little false to me is "property...I mean wife."

I'd gladly forgive most or all of those if there were more actual ideas in the scripts, as opposed to plot twists that lead us back to where we began. I'd imagine that's why the frontrunners for the actual Hugo were written by other people.

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Matthew Celestis 5 years, 1 month ago

Excellent.

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slmlibraryone 5 years, 1 month ago

I'm becoming more and more convinced that Moffat is so caught up in being "clever" that he is willing to sacrifice consistency in characterization and coherent plot. He'd rather put in a clever quip or a convoluted plot twist than focus on putting together a good solid story.

"FANS: Give this man a vault full of Hugo awards, this is genius."

This is sadly spot-on. The die-hard fans can't admit when something in the show is poorly done. Instead, they fanwank it to death.

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The Man 5 years, 1 month ago

This is getting like Season 17 all over again. You've never had it so good. When done "properly" (i.e. when Moffat gets the bullet), the show will plummet to less than 5 million, die a slow, cruel death and some of you guys will be at pains to pin it all on Moffat...

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