Everything Tastes Wrong (The Battle of Rintrah and Uveth)

It’s December 9th, 2018. “Thank U Next” hasn’t gone anywhere. Mark Ronson ft. Miley Cyrus, James Arthur & Anne Marie, Dalton Harris ft. James Arthur, and Mariah Carey also all chart, the latter with “All I Want For Christmas is You” clocking its 89th week on the charts. In news, Brexit continues to shamble along, with Teresa May’s deal visibly collapsing at the last minute and seeing its Parliamentary vote delayed. That’s about it, actually. Nothing else happens.
Which also describes television, where we have The Battle of Randall O’Connor. Since this is emphatically drawing on The Woman Who Fell to Earth, let’s follow suit, and check in with that sense of optimism that pervaded it. Obviously the Chibnall era was not an immediate success, and my coverage of the previous nine episodes has made that clear. But that was all with the benefit of hindsight. Let’s return to the 2018 that existed. Then, if you were the sort of person naive enough to engage in redemptive readings, you could still just about make it through to the end of It Takes You Away with an intact sense of optimism to the effect of “maybe this will be about as good as Torchwood.” Sure, Chibnall’s four episodes had all been quite weak, but none had been abysmal trainwrecks. Rosa was broadly competent if unsettling, Demons of the Punjab actually good, the rest various flavors of inoffensive adequacy or Kerblam! Chibnall was clearly going to be a comedown from the previous two eras, but maybe he could muster up the occasional gems of brilliance, the odd Caves of Androzani or City of Death over a few years. There was hope, at least, right?
And then comes The Battle of Rebused Obamas, and all hope ran into the threshing blades of oblivion. It is difficult to express the way in which The Battle of Raymour and Flanigan constitutes an existential horror within Doctor Who. There are relatively few comparisons, really—episodes that suck in ways that do not merely implicate themselves, but that expose in their ineptness fundamental and bedrock inadequacies capable of yielding up the program’s handful of truly tainted eras. The Twin Dilemma, obviously. The TV Movie, not that its threat was ever acted on. The Invisible Enemy and The Celestial Toymaker both marked a similar sort of lurching drop in quality, but the resultant eras still produced multiple highlights. I guess there’s Cyberwoman.
What is so galling about this, in the end, is that it’s the season finale. Sure, many bad episodes of Doctor Who have, over the years, been season finales, from the modern flops of Last of the Time Lords and The Wedding of River Song to the old school damp squibs of The Invasion of Time or The Time Monster. But in the well-honed shape of modern Doctor Who, the finale has something of a place of honor. Even the bad ones are busted masterpieces, with ambitions gone amiss. That is not what we have here.…