The Captain announced his Spending Review yesterday, a reconsideration of Zanak’s finances in light of the galactic economic recession.
“Citizens,” bellowed the Captain, “prepare yourselves! Watch for the omens! I declare the dawning of a new Golden Age of Austerity!”
Crowds of Zanakians are reported to have stagily chanted “Un-hooray!” in chorus.
“The fact is,” yelled the Captain, “that there are now no more planets worth materializing around, crushing and sucking dry… because they’re all broke too.
“So, citizens, we all have to make sacrifices. You’ll have noticed that there are no more jewels lying around in the street these days… well, we’re also going to have to confiscate all the jewels in your homes. And all the furniture. And all your clothes. And air cars. And your dwelling booths. And your food.
“We’re even going to cut funding to our bondage-gear-clad fascist guards… because we have so little respect for you that we expect you to put up with all this without a whimper of protest.
“The mines will not be magically filling up again any time soon. But me and my lot up here in the Bridge refuse to go without, so it’ll have to come out of your pockets. But we’re actually going to be hit hardest anyway. I’ll be short on staff to kill when I get into a temper because I’m going to sack most of them (they are public sector, after all). But remember, citizens, that we’re all in this together. Yes, by the blue blood of the Bullingdon sky-demon, we are!”
In other news, old Queen Xanxia (who was recently taken ill) is reported to be resting comfortably between her time dams, aware that her legacy marches on, a secret little smile on her evil old face.…