The Gatherer today unveiled harsh new plans to deal with the economic crisis caused by loss of investor confidence after Pluto was ruled to no longer be a planet.
The Medical Tax on Q-Capsules is to raised to 20%. Also to be raised is the Medical Tax on all other types of capsules ranging from A to P. And from R to Z. Also, purchase of these capsules is to be made compulsary. It is hoped that the energy boost provided by a steady diet of these capsules will contribute towards higher productivity.
Cider-flavoured pills remain exempt, much to the relief of the Usurian Cider-Flavoured Pill Production Company.
A new 20% tax is to be levied on extremely plummy accents in all PCM plant workers.
The tax on ill-fitting, pastel-coloured clothes is to be increased to 20%.
All co-workers with names that sound amusingly (but rather arbitrarily) like a double act of comedy female impersonators are to henceforth have all their taxes raised. By 20%.
A 20% suicide tax is to be introduced for all D-Grades, to compensate the Company (praise the Company) for loss of profit (and tax revenue) resulting from the self-inflicted deaths of those who refuse to pull their weight.
The current 0.2% tax on ludicrous hats is to be scrapped. This will stimulate the ludicrous hat industry.
To help business, a new 100% tax immunity is to be introduced for people with no head hair. Scissors, razors and old age to be banned.
The suns to be privatised. At below cost price. Regulation of prices of UV-rays to be abolished.
Tough but fair. Remember citizens… we’re all in this together. Until things are going well again, whereupon fuck you. Praise the Company.
(This was originally posted after Osbourne’s budget. You guessed that, didn’t you?)