Viewing posts tagged bad Private Eye style satire

UKIP SURGE AHEAD ON SHABOGAN GRAFFITI

The main headlines today.

THE BBC NEWS DIVISION HAS TAKEN OVER OWNERSHIP OF OBSCURE DOCTOR WHO BLOG SHABOGAN GRAFFITI

"The blog will now be run according to proper BBC guidelines of impartiality," said that lying Zionist shitsack James Harding, head of BBC News.

In other news...

UKIP SURGE FORWARD AND ONWARDS TO CERTAIN FORWARD MARCHING MARCH OF ONWARD SURGING SURGENESS AHEAD ON SHABOGAN GRAFFITI.

The BBC Newsroom is reporting that despite there being no sentiments ever expressed on Shabogan Graffiti that a Ukipper would ever find acceptable, UKIP have broken through with a breakthrough on Shabogan Graffiti and are now surging forward and ahead to breakthroughs and surges on the unpopular blog.

"Apparently the vast majority of the British electorate do not read Shabogan Graffiti," said a hairdo on top of a suit behind a desk, "but even so, the fact that UKIP have now broken through and surged across the blog shows clearly that the British public think UKIP are a force to be reckoned with and a reckon to be forced with and surging and breaking through and getting the mainstream establishment parties running scared."

Finally...

BBC ANNOUNCES NEW SERIES OF POSTS ON SHABOGAN GRAFFITI, TO BE ENTITLED ...

The Moment Has (Almost Certainly) Been Prepared For...

It's the end of an era.  He's quit and they'll have to find a replacement. 

Of course, the show will go on.  Eras end.  New ones begin.  The way they can just change the guy in the role every few years is key to the long-running success of the whole thing. 

Shame it's always a white guy.  Why not try a woman or a black person next?  Just once. 

I know some people have a problem with that notion, saying they'd be unable to relate to the character if he changed gender or skin colour... but I think that's just sexism or racism in disguise. 

If the role can be played by a completely different guy every few years - with a different height, different accent, etc. - then why can't he also have different naughty bits or epidermal pigmentation?  This last guy was much younger than the last one, for instance! 

I think it's silly to insist on such arbitrary notions of continuity when all the underlying notions are so fantastical and absurd.  Part of the appeal of the thing ...

Resistance is Useful

There were violent clashes in London yesterday as protestors against the Dalek occupation attacked Daleks and Robomen on the streets.

What started as a peaceful and normal day, with Robomen performing their normal routine of rounding up prisoners to be sent to the new 'workfare' camp in Bedfordshire for lazy scroungers, quickly turned to turmoil when protestors - doubtless infiltrated by a hardcore of anarchists and outside agitators - launched an unprovoked attack on a Dalek ship innocently parked at the Chelsea Heliport.

Robomen were forced to 'kettle' the protestors when clashes erupted.  Reports are that three Robomen have sustained injuries, and one Dalek was slightly scuffed when protestors viciously and thuggishly pushed it down a gentle ramp. 

A Dalek defends himself against the unprovoked aggression of the
feral, anarchist, hoodie, chav scum, student layabout protestors

The Dalek Supreme commented today: "Of course, we support peaceful demonstrations... but any more will be met with immediately extermination."

Royal Wedding

It's been announced that King Peladon is to marry some blonde or other.  They'll be married in a marriage ceremony after which they'll be married.  They'll then be husband and wife.  And King and Queen.  And be married.  After their glittering wedding, which will glitter.  She'll look wonderful.  He'll look less wonderful but still wonderful.  They'll glitter.  It'll be a marvellous occasion.  They'll be married in a royal wedding by the High Priest and there'll be lots of wedding stuff and clothes and music and dancing and food and wine and weddings and married and royal wedding and king and queen crown tiara dress ball gala dress crown look lovely wedding married king palace glitter coach dress trumpets guests wedding cake oooh doesn't she look beautiful marriage royal crown queen king wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding ...

The War News

The new leader of the War Lords, The War Ed, delivered his first speech as leader today, winning muted and embarassed applause when he said that "we have to face up to the fact that, in retrospect, the War Games were probably, well, er... perhaps, maybe, not all that totally a good idea... umm, sort of?"

His brother, The War Dave, looked all pouty and crosspatch and was seen to ask the senior War Politician sat next to him, The War Woman, why she was clapping when she voted for the War Games. "I'm clapping because I don't want the Time Lords to dematerialise me," she said, earning herself a curled lip and sneering glare from The War Dave.

Later today, The War Dave announced that he would be "stepping back from frontline War Politics" (apparently unconscious of the queasy irony of suggesting that he'd ever been on the "frontline" of anything, unlike loads of ordinary people that he helped send to kill and die) "to concentrate on sitting in the corner with my arms folded, sulking."

The Megropolis 1 Budget - at a glance:

The Gatherer today unveiled harsh new plans to deal with the economic crisis caused by loss of investor confidence after Pluto was ruled to no longer be a planet.

The Medical Tax on Q-Capsules is to raised to 20%. Also to be raised is the Medical Tax on all other types of capsules ranging from A to P. And from R to Z. Also, purchase of these capsules is to be made compulsary. It is hoped that the energy boost provided by a steady diet of these capsules will contribute towards higher productivity.

Cider-flavoured pills remain exempt, much to the relief of the Usurian Cider-Flavoured Pill Production Company.

A new 20% tax is to be levied on extremely plummy accents in all PCM plant workers.

The tax on ill-fitting, pastel-coloured clothes is to be increased to 20%.

All co-workers with names that sound amusingly (but rather arbitrarily) like a double act of comedy female impersonators are to henceforth have all their taxes raised. By 20%.

A 20% suicide tax is to be introduced for all D-Grades, to compensate the Company (praise the Company) for loss of profit (and tax revenue) resulting from the self-inflicted deaths of those who refuse to ...

From Our Skaro Correspondent

(This was originally written in the aftermath of the election. I read Private Eye, you see.)


In the recent elections held by the surviving Kaled Elite (scientific and military), neither Davros nor Gharman recieved a full majority.

Gharman felt that his performance in recent debates within the Kaled bunker had increased his surport, yet this failed to translate into the “complete landslide against any further development of the Daleks” that he had been expecting. “It seems that, in these trying times… what with the Kaled Dome being destroyed and the rest of our race being exterminated and everything… people decided to stick with what they know” he said yesterday.

“We have a hung Elite,” said Davros’ trusted deputy, Security Commander Nyder, “which is precisely what we ought to do to all members of the Elite who betray Davros: hang them. Slowly. With piano wire.”

However, after several rounds of negotiations, a deal has been struck between the Davros and Gharman factions.

“We’ve had to make a few concessions,” said Gharman. “Firstly, Davros will remain as leader. And we’ll carry on trying to kill all the Thals. And that weird bloke with the scarf whose been hanging around here ...

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